Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
