Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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