I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
