Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
