so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
