dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
