Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
