The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
