you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
