Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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