Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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