I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
