Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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