I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
