Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
