so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
