my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
