if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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