And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
