I can text with my tongue
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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