Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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