The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
