Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
