do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
