So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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