I didn't shave. On purpose
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
