My hand turned me down
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
