I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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