I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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