he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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