I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
