matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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