I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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