Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's always time for handjobs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
