Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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