wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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