I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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