Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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