it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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