The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
