Pants 0. Shit 1.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
