You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
