Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Found your dick twin last night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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