So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
