he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
