Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
