Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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