I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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