aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
