That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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