You really coming over, don't trick.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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