Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
