Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm too high and old for this...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
