Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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