Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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